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March 8, 2010
I wish this article were about something that better reflected the title exactly, like maybe Denise Milani and a long list of automotive innuendos that would lead to sexy action like in all of those playboy letters. It would be great, I could say “Top off your fluids ma’am?”, “I hope you can drive stick shift” and “your sister never makes me pull out”. But as usual, I have to tell you about something I hate; in this case, people.
To be specific, people who use the horn on their cars. For anything. Ever.
I’m always amazed when people don’t realize that they have a negative impact on everyone around them, and I have no idea why this is. People are self-centered, ego-centric self important little bags of water and consumerism. The fact that they believe a car horn accomplishes anything of any value shouldn’t surprise me, yet it does. Everytime I hear it, it’s a reminder that killing people should be allowed if you can pass a few intelligence tests and carry an ID card that says “Hi, I can legally stab your balls off until you die from it”. There are variations of these button happy fuck faces, and although I’m not really sure which ones I hate the most, I do feel the need to point them out, mostly because long articles make me feel better about the size of my… traffic logs. Hah, you thought I was gonna say penis didn’t you? You fail the intelligence test and don’t get one of my nifty killing people cards. You could always re-read the article and try again. Read more
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January 22, 2010
Ah The movie soundtrack. The mood setter, the sign of eminent danger, the spirit lifter, the final touch to a cinematic experience, the dialogue mask, the speaker rattler, the best way to fuck up watching a movie at 1am. Yes a movie soundtrack is so many things, sensible for actual watching conditions is not one of them. The volume of the modern movie’s soundtrack is likely the reason the little symbols are totally worn off of you TVs remote control, the reason your spouse has not a single fucking clue what “they” just said, and I’m pretty sure it can make you sterile too. There’s been research. Read more
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January 21, 2010
What’s not to like? You can tune to almost any station, in any city in the country and want to murder someone’s face off. It’s a constant stream of like-sounding sonic garbage that few people seem to really like, but everyone is subjected to. Those that do, typically are disposable bags of water… you know the types: Everyone.
The music world if packed full of engineered hits and so-called ‘stars’, but is not packed full of talent, and is certainly not packed full of artists. To say that the gimmicky pop singers, generic rock bands and the “I’m a badass and a player” hip-hop whatevers are artists, would be like calling a copy machine a painter. Read more
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January 19, 2010
Sports fanatics beware, I want to gas the lot of you. It’s a fucking game. That’s all. I’d love to know how these fanatics believe they are any different than the dorks dressed as Jedi for Star Wars, the cloak and wand toting nerds at Harry Potter releases, or the people that wear business suits to legal thrillers. It’s not that I don’t like sports, it’s that I don’t understand how you could have so little interesting about yourself that you pin all of your interests on the accomplishments of others, how you can yell at your TV and not feel like you need to be on medication, committed or die by Robocop spike to the face -or wonder why you are marketed to by network news. Read more
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January 10, 2010
Look Where I am, and You Aren’t Ya Douchebag!
You’ve saved up for that vacation by guilting your co-workers to get the tab at lunches, you’ve shorted your waiters on tips and you’ve forced the whole family to endure leftovers from meals that weren’t good enough to finish off the first time; you’ve made it. That exotic location that you’ve always wanted to go, thinking that being there will make you as hot and carefree as the models you saw on the website. You get to that moment where you know you’ve made it, and you reach for your phone to Twitter about that amazing view. The trouble is, everyone who’s already suffered through your saving tactics and who follow everyone that contacts them are unaware of the shit you are about to pull. “Look how wonderful things are where I am, and you are not because I took advantage of you so much!”. Read more
